Attorneys

Should we all bow down and worship the ground attorneys walk on? Does an individual become a demi-god when they become an attorney? You would think that they do based on their superior , holier - than - thou attitudes toward the lowly non- attorneys in the world.

Ever notice that attorneys NEVER call you back or respond to you as other people would in the normal non attorney world? I should just send a letter of apology to every attorney in the state , apologizing for not being an attorney and existing in the same mortal plane as them. Is the attorneys status one of Overlord and Alpha-Omega in the human realm? Are we even allowed to speak to them without their express consent? Next time I pass an attorney in the hallway I will simply get on my knees and shield my mortal eyes from them. I certainly don't want to upset them, for they hold the keys to life, death and your income within our existence.

When having to work with an attorney at your company ,you might find that THEY are the ones that call the shots, make the decisions and determine your income and ability to succeed. Not the President of the company, not the CEO and certainly not a manager or a VP - its the attorney that decides. When communicating with the attorney ,(if you are allowed that privilege), by all means be as direct as possible and make sure your communication is absolutely perfect - or you will have hell to pay. If they ask you for help with a particular definition or nuance of a company description, you better make sure you get it right! If you don't, you will be summarily chastised, scolded and berated in the permanent record of a legal document. Then you will be scolded again if you email them but do not properly upload the correction in the exact place of the document even though it was an informal request. They determine reality! It is not the normal reality we are used to - it is Attorney Reality - which changes as they see fit and will be lorded over you every chance they get.  God help you if you have to submit a one sentence clarification and a change of a number of usernames which is really no big deal and easily approved by management. The attorney will sit on this 30 second change for 3-5 days before deciding whether or not your deal will be approved. It is their nature to continually lord over you and control as much of your income , destiny and sanity as possible. 

Do not ever ask the attorney a question outside of your exacting definition of your role within an organization. You will be quickly told, "..you are not allowed to know that.." and "..I can't answer that question, you are not supposed to be asking that.."as though we are 5 year olds and need a spanking. The Attorney Reality follows them as they waltz through the halls of your building with superior stares and lofty looks. They truly believe that they are above the common rabble! Their belief is that they are Gods among men! I believe that their lack of response and time delays for simple one word changes in contracts is due to them justifying their existence and perpetuating Attorney Reality on all unsuspecting non- attorneys. Just like the Shamans in ancient villages that danced around the fire in colorful tribal headdress and paint and wailed for hours under the influence of hallucinogenic plants - the attorneys do the same by delaying, waiting and generally not communicating with the common folk. Their lack of communication and unbearable delays are their shamanic ritual to let you know that THEY are in charge, they determine reality and only they can provide the solutions!
It is truly a demented and twisted way to make a living., for it is based on delay, trickery and lofty perceptions of regular people that happen to have passed the bar and now call themselves attorneys. 

Shamanic ceremonies end in a catharsis of the shaman as he twists and turns and takes on the spirits to determine a better outcome for the village, the attorney is no different. His mind twists and turns over the obvious and simple and he or she makes a big deal out of sitting down and reading a document which he or she will eventually sign off on in a week or so, this is their dance and catharsis they perform for all unwitting non attorneys. They just want to make sure that you believe you are getting your moneys worth, hence the delay, the wrangling and all the drama leading up to a 30 second decision that they know can be completed quickly. Without the delay, the dance and the cathartic act of signing off on a trivial detail to a contract, how else would the attorney be able to prove his or her status of demi-god amongst men?   They need the drama, the shamanic ceremony and the cathartic act of signing which we are so happy to finally get that we continue worshiping the self appointed demi-gods as the village elders of our time when in reality they are nothing more than overpaid shills perpetuating a false reality and an overblown ego.