Monday, October 15, 2012
Drive Thru
Drive Thru
A truly American idea is the drive thru. We have neither the time nor the patience to accept anything less! We need service and we need it now! Whoever came up with the idea is a genius. A holiday should be named in his honor. The only problem is that the natural progression of the drive thru has been stalled. There are many other uses for it.
The logical extensions of the drive thru should apply to other areas of our lives. Psychiatry, for example, would be a great business in which to incorporate a drive thru. Simply drive up, state your issue or problem to the first window, pull up to the second window and get your advice and prescription. I envision these drive thru's as relaxing and ambient...Music can be playing and finely landscaped, calming, drive paths would work well. If your issue or problem requires more than 10-15 minutes to resolve, you can pull into the 'extra assistance' lane and spend an extra 10 minutes talking it through. There can be water vapor and misting to cool people off during the summer heat. Get your prescription and get back on the road, no time to waste! The drive thru shrinks can charge much less for their services. Anger issues? $20, pay at the window. Lithium Tuesdays! Two for one! Got depression? Mondays are our 'Depressive Mondays' specials, all anti depressants are half off and counseling is only $25 for a full 15 minutes! Never leave your car..
Attorneys would benefit greatly and more of them will have work if legal drive thru's were opened. Their billboards can now read "15 minutes or less, legal problem solved!" McLaw can be the nomenclature of the day. After all, how much time do attorneys really spend on your case anyway? Over half of it is dumped on a paralegals desk, the rest of it goes to the billing dept. "Billable hours" can be a thing of the past. Give us billable minutes instead! Much more efficient and practical. The same configuration of a two window drive thru system will work. The drive paths can look formal, like going through a court house and up legal stairs... Drive up, state your legal issue, choose from a menu of legal defense strategies and their appropriate cost. Work out a payment plan or get a discount for cash at the second window. Get your court date and hit the road, done.
Drive thru schools can replace ineffective public schools and urban killing zones. Stick junior in the front seat, drive up and let him get his lesson plan for the day. Let junior talk to a teacher for 15 minutes, get it straight and its off to get the homework done! The internet can fill in the blanks. This will teach the young ones the true importance of time. Let them know there is no time to waste, you must be quick to succeed. Once again, the two window method would work well for the drive thru school. There would be no room for misbehavior, no idle time and a sense of urgency can be ingrained in their young minds. Sporting activities could be ordered through the school drive thru and the tykes can be dropped off at the practice field, giving you more time in your day.
City planners will be able to create entire communities whereby you never have to leave your car. Drive thru groceries, gas, drive thru church's - the possibilities are endless. Instead of golf cart communities, drive thru communities. The extra CO2 produced by idling vehicles will only add to the the vegetation surrounding the drive thru service providers. A lush and tropical world, inhabited by smarter, quicker people that are driving thru the mundane aspects of their lives to a less cluttered life awaits us all in the drive thru community.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Transaction Wizard
What does it cost you to leave your house? What is the average cost of leaving your home? I think if we really look into it it would surprise you. Take into account the gas, the average amount of potentially useless items purchased, your time and stress to deal with individuals less qualified than yourself and you will see a staggering amount. Imagine shaving 25% off that total each year, it would probably be enough for a vacation. Savings aside, what about your time and peace of mind?
Living a less transaction filled life is a good thing and is certainly working for me. It's not just about saving money although that is a major part of it, it's about not having to perform a transaction - any transaction. An ATM withdrawal, buying laundry detergent, getting lotto tickets - are all times that can be better spent. Every transaction you perform makes you think about bank balances, bills that are due, income not yet received, and cash remaining...It's an awful thing to have to think about! If we focus on less transactions in our life we will be infinitely happier. "Running" to the store is an activity that needs not to happen. I'm not running to anything except to escape a fire. Try going a day or even two or three without performing any transactions. You will feel like you're on vacation, if you can do it. I have only been able to get to a day and a half so far. Internet transactions also apply, even if you are not physically there you are still performing a transaction, still experiencing the stress filled images mentioned above.
My transaction per day limit is about three, maybe four if absolutely necessary, after that I just shut down. After three or four transactions in a day I feel that I am being nickled and dimed to death. If you're not careful, you will be nickled and dimed to death. It's a death of a thousand transactions, kinda of like carbon dioxide, odorless and silent yet certain death. Hey, lets grab lunch! , OK, there goes $40 bucks...oh, the dog needs food, alright, $22..oh, the printer needs ink....$15 for black only,,,it's endless. Bam, I just spent $100, after the gas, a victim of being nickled and dimed to death.
Performing less transactions is certainly a solution to this madness however the severe cases of transactional addiction require more robust means. The transactionally challenged could benefit from a transaction meter placed near your front door. This meter would be unobtrusive and would record the exact amount of money spent each time one leaves the house. I envision a touch-less card swipe on the frame of the front door that will record all costs associated with leaving the premises. All you have to do is walk through it and it reads your transaction card.You simply enter the mileage from the trip when returning and all purchases are downloaded from your credit or debit card, cash entered seperateley. The transaction wizard calculates MPG, maintenance costs, purchases made, etc and displays them on your mobile phone or to email. You now know without any doubt, what it costs you to leave your house! Imagine getting a reminder email saying "..Congratulations! You have performed 13 less transactions this week and saved an average of $52 ! Good for you!" Historical purchasing and traveling patterns can be utilized for more accurate assessment. What a great conversation to have! Wow hun...your little trip to the store cost us $360...How do you know? Transaction Wizard baby, Transaction Wizard...
Living a less transaction filled life is a good thing and is certainly working for me. It's not just about saving money although that is a major part of it, it's about not having to perform a transaction - any transaction. An ATM withdrawal, buying laundry detergent, getting lotto tickets - are all times that can be better spent. Every transaction you perform makes you think about bank balances, bills that are due, income not yet received, and cash remaining...It's an awful thing to have to think about! If we focus on less transactions in our life we will be infinitely happier. "Running" to the store is an activity that needs not to happen. I'm not running to anything except to escape a fire. Try going a day or even two or three without performing any transactions. You will feel like you're on vacation, if you can do it. I have only been able to get to a day and a half so far. Internet transactions also apply, even if you are not physically there you are still performing a transaction, still experiencing the stress filled images mentioned above.
My transaction per day limit is about three, maybe four if absolutely necessary, after that I just shut down. After three or four transactions in a day I feel that I am being nickled and dimed to death. If you're not careful, you will be nickled and dimed to death. It's a death of a thousand transactions, kinda of like carbon dioxide, odorless and silent yet certain death. Hey, lets grab lunch! , OK, there goes $40 bucks...oh, the dog needs food, alright, $22..oh, the printer needs ink....$15 for black only,,,it's endless. Bam, I just spent $100, after the gas, a victim of being nickled and dimed to death.
Performing less transactions is certainly a solution to this madness however the severe cases of transactional addiction require more robust means. The transactionally challenged could benefit from a transaction meter placed near your front door. This meter would be unobtrusive and would record the exact amount of money spent each time one leaves the house. I envision a touch-less card swipe on the frame of the front door that will record all costs associated with leaving the premises. All you have to do is walk through it and it reads your transaction card.You simply enter the mileage from the trip when returning and all purchases are downloaded from your credit or debit card, cash entered seperateley. The transaction wizard calculates MPG, maintenance costs, purchases made, etc and displays them on your mobile phone or to email. You now know without any doubt, what it costs you to leave your house! Imagine getting a reminder email saying "..Congratulations! You have performed 13 less transactions this week and saved an average of $52 ! Good for you!" Historical purchasing and traveling patterns can be utilized for more accurate assessment. What a great conversation to have! Wow hun...your little trip to the store cost us $360...How do you know? Transaction Wizard baby, Transaction Wizard...
Friday, May 11, 2012
The New Normal
Normal - a : according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.
The definition of normal does not include the actions of people today, the workforce or the general attitude of the populace. We are 180 degrees from any possible conception of normal and living in a New Normal that everyone seems to have accepted and embraced.
The first example of this is what I call 'shutting down'. From a corporate to a personal response, the new normal for communication is to simply shut down, not respond and stare blankly. Prospective employers use this tactic to let you know they are not interested in you. In the past, formal rejection letters were sent to indicate to you to move on and look elsewhere, now it's just a total silence. Total silence - after suited up interviews, power point presentations, documented research and extended, written background explanations are all part of the New Normal. After hours of work, miles of driving and endless phone interviews, the New Normal is to simply never contact you- ever again. Even when the employer is called, texted , emailed and begged for a yes or no answer - they simply shut down and do not respond. Delta airlines also uses this tactic in the Atlanta Airport to indicate to people that they cannot fly - they shut down- for days at a time. Banks and financial services are also guilty of this lame tactic. They will hound you for days in regards to a payment, you make the payment and don't see evidence of it for days.. While in the employment of a company, the idea of seniority can be achieved within only two years! If you are still around after two years, you are a senior employee! The New Normal for tenure in the workplace has gone from 10 years to two, kind of like the new math, 2 = 10. Ask Continental Airlines where all lost baggage goes, they will tell you- a warehouse in Texas. Ask the TSA where the millions of dollars worth of missing scanners are - they will also tell you - a warehouse in Texas. This warehouse in Texas seems to be a magical place where all lost items end up. I so want to seek out this mystical place and explore it for myself! Maybe all of our tax payer supported bail out money is there too, it is missing after all.. It is the warehouse of the New Normal, a half ass excuse for a place that probably doesn't even exist.
The New Normal is evident in retail and consumer services also. "Pre" tipping - tipping before the service is rendered is ridiculous. A 'pre' tipping requirement should force you to not leave a tip. That would do away with the nuisance. New Normal retail examples include improving something that needs no improvement, like the 'new' Coke - what a disaster. Not being able to get a decent lunch for five or six bucks is also part of the new normal. You better have at least $10 - $15 if you want to eat lunch. Doctors that put people on Xanax instead of good old fashioned Valium is a deadly New Normal mistake. Xanax has been involved with a very high percentage of drug overdoses in the last few years and is way more dangerous than Valium. It has been proven to cause deadly seizures when you stop taking it and I know people that have been put on Valium to get off Xanax. Renting a house instead of owning has become the New Normal. Almost half of all house dwellers rent. Who can blame them? Every mortgage under the sun is upside down and getting the bastard banks to give you a loan is next to impossible. The New Normal is becoming the New Europe.
In the realm of personal interaction with people, the New Normal will incite rage and cause your blood to boil. Anyone that uses a ring back tone, has a 'song' or 'melody' as their cell phone greeting or has their brat kids screaming into the phone to tell you they are not there, needs to have all phone privileges taken away for at least six months. These abominations have no business using any communication device. Customer service representatives who continually apologize also need to be done away with. One apology is enough. I once counted five apologies in 2 minutes so I hung up. Apologizing continually is a way to insult your intelligence in the New Normal world by placating you to death. The New Normal is also making us stupider by the minute. The 'auto correct' feature that is used while texting a message has been proven to dumb people down and make them worse spellers. Not having to read, comprehend and spell in a half way decent manner has become part of the New Normal. If you like this, then you will enjoy the rapidly approaching day when we simply grunt and groan at each other. I honestly believe the attention span of the average person is about 4.2 seconds. After that, its just a brain dead flat line waiting for the next bright color or loud noise to react to. While walking my dog the other day, I waved at a neighbor whom I know and have spoken to in the past. He stared at me like I had three eyes, a sad victim of the New Normal. He just stood there, in a catatonic state, staring...Maybe his baggage was sent to a warehouse in Texas, he's withdrawing from Xanax and he is an employer who is simply practicing his new method of communication while using auto correct in a text and being apologized to. I don't like him anymore.
The definition of normal does not include the actions of people today, the workforce or the general attitude of the populace. We are 180 degrees from any possible conception of normal and living in a New Normal that everyone seems to have accepted and embraced.
The first example of this is what I call 'shutting down'. From a corporate to a personal response, the new normal for communication is to simply shut down, not respond and stare blankly. Prospective employers use this tactic to let you know they are not interested in you. In the past, formal rejection letters were sent to indicate to you to move on and look elsewhere, now it's just a total silence. Total silence - after suited up interviews, power point presentations, documented research and extended, written background explanations are all part of the New Normal. After hours of work, miles of driving and endless phone interviews, the New Normal is to simply never contact you- ever again. Even when the employer is called, texted , emailed and begged for a yes or no answer - they simply shut down and do not respond. Delta airlines also uses this tactic in the Atlanta Airport to indicate to people that they cannot fly - they shut down- for days at a time. Banks and financial services are also guilty of this lame tactic. They will hound you for days in regards to a payment, you make the payment and don't see evidence of it for days.. While in the employment of a company, the idea of seniority can be achieved within only two years! If you are still around after two years, you are a senior employee! The New Normal for tenure in the workplace has gone from 10 years to two, kind of like the new math, 2 = 10. Ask Continental Airlines where all lost baggage goes, they will tell you- a warehouse in Texas. Ask the TSA where the millions of dollars worth of missing scanners are - they will also tell you - a warehouse in Texas. This warehouse in Texas seems to be a magical place where all lost items end up. I so want to seek out this mystical place and explore it for myself! Maybe all of our tax payer supported bail out money is there too, it is missing after all.. It is the warehouse of the New Normal, a half ass excuse for a place that probably doesn't even exist.
The New Normal is evident in retail and consumer services also. "Pre" tipping - tipping before the service is rendered is ridiculous. A 'pre' tipping requirement should force you to not leave a tip. That would do away with the nuisance. New Normal retail examples include improving something that needs no improvement, like the 'new' Coke - what a disaster. Not being able to get a decent lunch for five or six bucks is also part of the new normal. You better have at least $10 - $15 if you want to eat lunch. Doctors that put people on Xanax instead of good old fashioned Valium is a deadly New Normal mistake. Xanax has been involved with a very high percentage of drug overdoses in the last few years and is way more dangerous than Valium. It has been proven to cause deadly seizures when you stop taking it and I know people that have been put on Valium to get off Xanax. Renting a house instead of owning has become the New Normal. Almost half of all house dwellers rent. Who can blame them? Every mortgage under the sun is upside down and getting the bastard banks to give you a loan is next to impossible. The New Normal is becoming the New Europe.
In the realm of personal interaction with people, the New Normal will incite rage and cause your blood to boil. Anyone that uses a ring back tone, has a 'song' or 'melody' as their cell phone greeting or has their brat kids screaming into the phone to tell you they are not there, needs to have all phone privileges taken away for at least six months. These abominations have no business using any communication device. Customer service representatives who continually apologize also need to be done away with. One apology is enough. I once counted five apologies in 2 minutes so I hung up. Apologizing continually is a way to insult your intelligence in the New Normal world by placating you to death. The New Normal is also making us stupider by the minute. The 'auto correct' feature that is used while texting a message has been proven to dumb people down and make them worse spellers. Not having to read, comprehend and spell in a half way decent manner has become part of the New Normal. If you like this, then you will enjoy the rapidly approaching day when we simply grunt and groan at each other. I honestly believe the attention span of the average person is about 4.2 seconds. After that, its just a brain dead flat line waiting for the next bright color or loud noise to react to. While walking my dog the other day, I waved at a neighbor whom I know and have spoken to in the past. He stared at me like I had three eyes, a sad victim of the New Normal. He just stood there, in a catatonic state, staring...Maybe his baggage was sent to a warehouse in Texas, he's withdrawing from Xanax and he is an employer who is simply practicing his new method of communication while using auto correct in a text and being apologized to. I don't like him anymore.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Monday Manifesto
Monday is analog, Tuesday through Friday is increasingly digital. There is no escaping this, it simply is and will remain so for the rest of human history. The analog world harkens back to rotary dial phones, video tapes and card catalogs in libraries. It is slow, somewhat painful and irritating. It finds you waiting for a response and most things going wrongly.
People are slower to respond and difficult to deal with on Mondays. No one wants to be there, everything is forced and seems unnatural. Your grand hopes of getting things done early in the week are usually dashed by the inaction of others. It's like that annoying busy signal on a phone or accidentally calling a fax line - typical Monday. By all means do not go to a bank, post office or any government office on a Monday. You will experience hell on earth if you do. The poor souls who occupy these wretched wastelands have not yet awoken into their true hypnotized states yet...At least when under hypnosis they can respond through their programming. A three day weekend with a Monday off is more reassuring than taking a Friday. It's psychological- something about not having to face that god-awful Monday makes our hearts leap for joy!
"First, know thyself", does not even come close to warding off the unseen sharpshooters of the universe on a Monday. They are ever present and they have you in their sights. It is their time to attack and bring you down. It doesn't matter how much 'rest' you got over the weekend..It doesn't matter that you limited your alcohol intake and are not hungover...you'll get whats coming to you, it's Monday. Oh, you think you're 'prepared' and ready to go? Think again. The vortex is swirling and Monday is the time when you are closest to it. It's like being near a black hole when space and time are elongated as you are spaghetti-fied and stretched into oblivion. Why did I just spill my coffee and forget how to drink ?- It's Monday. Why do I hear Billy frigin Joel while on hold? - yep, it's Monday.
The solution to our Monday dementia is simple and within reach. It requires a re-working of the Gregorian calendar which was forced upon us and inaccurate anyway. The answer is to simply eliminate Monday altogether. Take it out, give it its final resting place and destroy the useless and loathsome day once and for all! It makes perfect sense- we have an even number of days off, why should we not have an even number of working days? Two off four on - not two five. The current week is out of balance with our natural harmonious state- it is anathema! No wonder why we are so dysfunctional on a Monday! A seven day week with 5 working days and two days off is unbalanced to our nature!
Eliminating Monday will leave us with an additional 52 days in the year which equates to an additional 8 weeks and 4 days. We then add an additional week to the first eight months of the year and extend December 31st to December 35th - it's the holidays- people will appreciate the extra three days off, accounting a day for New Years.
As the days get shorter after the summer solstice, the months of the year will correspondingly get shorter thereby matching our natural rhythms of the seasons in the year. Everyone will feel better and be more productive when we discard the chaos of the impostor calendar foisted upon us.
The winter months will be easier to tolerate with five weeks in them instead of four. For the working man or woman this means five pay checks per month as opposed to four thereby increasing monthly income. Savings rates and economic productivity would increase as well as overall peace of mind and general happiness. An extra four days off during the holidays will also increase the psychological well being of the general public and help people recover from the over consumption of the season.
The simple elimination of a most foul and useless day can change the world and make it a better place. Restoring the natural order and balance to our living days is necessary in this tumultuous time. We must smash the chains of externally imposed time control in our lives and restore the sanctity of time in the human experience. We must destroy Monday.
People are slower to respond and difficult to deal with on Mondays. No one wants to be there, everything is forced and seems unnatural. Your grand hopes of getting things done early in the week are usually dashed by the inaction of others. It's like that annoying busy signal on a phone or accidentally calling a fax line - typical Monday. By all means do not go to a bank, post office or any government office on a Monday. You will experience hell on earth if you do. The poor souls who occupy these wretched wastelands have not yet awoken into their true hypnotized states yet...At least when under hypnosis they can respond through their programming. A three day weekend with a Monday off is more reassuring than taking a Friday. It's psychological- something about not having to face that god-awful Monday makes our hearts leap for joy!
"First, know thyself", does not even come close to warding off the unseen sharpshooters of the universe on a Monday. They are ever present and they have you in their sights. It is their time to attack and bring you down. It doesn't matter how much 'rest' you got over the weekend..It doesn't matter that you limited your alcohol intake and are not hungover...you'll get whats coming to you, it's Monday. Oh, you think you're 'prepared' and ready to go? Think again. The vortex is swirling and Monday is the time when you are closest to it. It's like being near a black hole when space and time are elongated as you are spaghetti-fied and stretched into oblivion. Why did I just spill my coffee and forget how to drink ?- It's Monday. Why do I hear Billy frigin Joel while on hold? - yep, it's Monday.
The solution to our Monday dementia is simple and within reach. It requires a re-working of the Gregorian calendar which was forced upon us and inaccurate anyway. The answer is to simply eliminate Monday altogether. Take it out, give it its final resting place and destroy the useless and loathsome day once and for all! It makes perfect sense- we have an even number of days off, why should we not have an even number of working days? Two off four on - not two five. The current week is out of balance with our natural harmonious state- it is anathema! No wonder why we are so dysfunctional on a Monday! A seven day week with 5 working days and two days off is unbalanced to our nature!
Eliminating Monday will leave us with an additional 52 days in the year which equates to an additional 8 weeks and 4 days. We then add an additional week to the first eight months of the year and extend December 31st to December 35th - it's the holidays- people will appreciate the extra three days off, accounting a day for New Years.
As the days get shorter after the summer solstice, the months of the year will correspondingly get shorter thereby matching our natural rhythms of the seasons in the year. Everyone will feel better and be more productive when we discard the chaos of the impostor calendar foisted upon us.
The winter months will be easier to tolerate with five weeks in them instead of four. For the working man or woman this means five pay checks per month as opposed to four thereby increasing monthly income. Savings rates and economic productivity would increase as well as overall peace of mind and general happiness. An extra four days off during the holidays will also increase the psychological well being of the general public and help people recover from the over consumption of the season.
The simple elimination of a most foul and useless day can change the world and make it a better place. Restoring the natural order and balance to our living days is necessary in this tumultuous time. We must smash the chains of externally imposed time control in our lives and restore the sanctity of time in the human experience. We must destroy Monday.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
50 Jobs
I have had 50 jobs in the last 32 years, from 1980 to 2012. I started at age 15. I classify a 'job' as taxable income with a W2 received at years end and holding the job for at least two weeks. The majority of the jobs occurred in the 80's then as age set in, they tapered off into career positions. These positions have enabled me to really understand the human condition at work and have provided some unique insights into human behavior in the work place.
The job with my uncle in the construction business is well documented in the story "Me and My Uncle" in this blog. Suffice to say it was an excellent experience in drunkenness and cruelty in the workplace. Seeing people consume massive quantities of alcohol then operate heavy machinery, boats and lead a construction crew was an eye opening experience and really prepped me for the future jobs I would hold. During the same time period of '80-'81, I worked as a bus boy and a dishwasher at the California Club, a country club in North Miami and a Sizzler Steakhouse in Broward County, Fl. The bus boy gig ended when I spilled a tray of half filled margaritas and bloody mary's over a customers shoulder. Working as a dishwasher ended after a month or so because of the general misery of washing dishes in a restaurant. My fourth job was another bus boy gig at a Denny's, the fifth was as a bagger at Publix. These two were uneventful however I was fired from Publix for putting a four pack of glass Coke bottles in a guys back seat that was dirty and wet from being first placed in the parking lot. I left Denny's for a better opportunity- busing tables at a local Plantation, Fl restaurant, Olivers, my sixth job. Every Sunday, the owner was on the phone to his bookie, placing bets on all the football games. He eventually lost the restaurant to his gambling habits.
The seventh job was as a construction worker, (laborer) - for another uncle, in Miami Lakes, Fl. My cousin Jeff was the foreman and I swept out houses, hauled trash and cleaned up the housing tract they were building. The entire job site was medicated. Every morning the various substances were passed out and dealt to the carpenters, laborers, electricians and plumbers. They all seemed to function fine under the influence. My cousin had a major coke problem, so his nose was typically blown up and red and he slept in the trailer a lot. My uncle Jim was told him " You're gonna blow a fucking hole right through your nose if you don't stop doing that shit.." Sure enough, he did - Jeff had a deviated septum from the cocaine abuse. I once rode my Schwinn Le Tour 12 Speed bicycle from Plantation, Fl to Miami Lakes - to get to work. It was a 30 mile ride, I got a flat on the way home and my friend Ricks dad picked me up on the way back, once was enough for that. Job number eight was taking notes for a deaf student at Broward Community College. It didn't pay well but it paid. I essentially duplicated my notes from a couple of my classes for him- easy job.
My ninth job was at a 10 minute oil change place called Greased Lightning, in Ft Lauderdale, Fl. I rode a motorcycle and was 18. A friend of mine who worked there also rode, his name was Jimmy and he was truly crazy. Jimmy's idea of a good time was to intentionally bait cops to chase him then get away on his Honda 750 - he was never caught. He told me "..it gets pretty intense- they don't give up..."He rode through fields, parking lots, whatever it took to get away.. I remember riding back from getting lunch in a car one day and some idiot cutting us off on a moped. Jimmy took his entire McDonalds combo- drink and all- and whipped it at the guys back as we passed him at 45 mph. The site of exploding McDonalds on that poor bastards back was epic. Jimmy didn't eat lunch that day however it was worth it for him. Another co-worker of mine, Martin, was a handgun enthusiast. He showed me the .357 revolver he had and said "...this will make a believer out of anyone.." I told him he's headed for jail. The next week, he got caught in an armed robbery and ended up being sentenced to five years in prison. I spoke with him from jail and messed with his mind about his 'girlfriend' whom Jimmy just happened to move in with. This really pissed him of, so I ended the conversation.
Job number 10 was in a Landscape Nursery picking weeds and watering plants. In the South Florida heat it was pure misery, so it only lasted a few weeks. My eleventh job was as a line cook in Chi Chi's Mexican Restaurant. I never cooked before however I had a friend that waited on tables at Chi Chi's so he got me in. The kitchen was like an insane asylum. Extremely busy, loud and chaotic. I learned that when order tickets are covering the line and we are throwing plate liners at Haitian dishwashers while yelling at waitresses to get food out of our window- you are in the 'weeds', a restaurant term used to describe complete chaos. "Issa!!!- I need plates on the line!!!!" - was a common outcry from us..This job taught me that if you work full time in a restaurant, chances are you see very little daylight. I lived in the night and slept through the day for the next seven years in the restaurant business.
Job 11 was landscaping at Bonaventure, west of Davie Florida. My friend from Chi Chi's and I worked there. At times I hitchhiked to work with a lunch cooler, rode a motorcycle or got a ride. The company, "A Touch of Grass", started you on the scuffle hoe with the Haitians and the illegals. if you did good, you progressed to the blower then the edger. After that, you were promoted to walking behind a 32 inch mower all day. From there, you worked the weed eaters- a true skill when learned. I then reached the apex of the company- driving a Toro, 72 inch blade deck, riding mower all day - that was really cool. I recall Nelson, an older black man, telling a resident that she could "...go pick that grass with your teef.." and his buddy Elijah coming to work one day complaining that he found his woman with another woman when he got home yesterday.. Those guys were always going to get gas and being lectured about not getting their work done. We worked with a Jesus freak who had scripture and religious iconography painted all over his step van. When it got really hot he said the Lord told him not to work on this day. I worked with a man we called Mr Nixon because Nixon was his last name. Mr. Nixon had scars all over his body and the story of a horrible accident behind each one. A guy we called Brother Bob drove a Yazoo riding lawn mower into a lake and just sat there wondering what to do. We then changed his name to ''Brother Bob on the job to polish his knob'. Job number 12 was also a landscaping job- with Vantrease Landscaping. The owner , Tom was a Vietam Vet and gay- so the joke was- just don't eat a banana in front of him. Tom was cool, no problems, we just worked and went home.
Job number 13 was at a Sears and Roebuck in the Broward Mall and consisted of counting inventory and working in the warehouse. This is where I learned that perfectly good items like strollers, or furniture had to be destroyed instead of used or resold because of flaws in them. My boss was in the Coast Guard and told tales of huge drug seizures off the coast of Miami. Job number fourteen was digging holes for hot tubs and learning to plumb them. Coincidentally, most of the jobs were in either Coral Gables, Coral Springs or other impossible to jackhammer and dig through regions, it was a brutal nightmare.
Jobs 15 - 17 were in Gainesville, Florida. Number 15 was at Burrito Brothers in Gainesville. I made tacos and burritos and worked the register, ended up getting fired because of the diversion of University of Florida classes. Next, I worked at the Student Union, as a caterer. We organized parties for professors with cheap wine and would listen to them get louder and louder as they sucked down the cheap swill. Job 17 was at a place called Taco Johns on the night shift. I never intentionally destroyed food through the drive through however almost got in a fight or two from idiots yelling through the window.
My eighteenth job was at Bojangles Chicken in Jacksonville, Fl. I remember the amount of flour they went through to bread chicken was monumental. It was like a Laurel and Hardy comedy working there, flour dust flying everywhere. Job 19 was with UPS as an un-loader of semi's in the heat of August in Jacksonville, Fl. I was 'on call' each day- would call in and see if I was working or not. We were required to wear a back support and bring water to stay hydrated to avoid passing out. I probably should have stuck it out and retired in 20 years however I just couldn't take being yelled at in the scorching heat and one day just quit. That job was a militaristic nightmare.
Job number 20 brought me back to the restaurant industry at the Sailmaker in Jax,Fl. As a line cook, we continually told the wait staff how "pissed" we were and not to bother us. The Sailmaker was later destroyed and a parking lot was put there. Job 21 brought me to Houlihans in Jacksonville,Fl. This was a serious restaurant job, as a line cook, working under a head chef. I had to dress in kitchen whites every day. I met a waitress there who moved in with me. She left me so I took her Italian furniture and moved to another apartment. Take that bitch! Ending up with a waitress became a pattern for the next several years.
Job number 22 was as a Frame Carpenter at the Sawgrass Marriott in Ponte Vedra, Beach, Fl. They simply asked "Frame of Form?" I said "Frame " because I didn't want to be on my knees doing forming. I was there when the architect came out to the job site screaming about the orientation of the pro shop. The foundation was 30 degrees off from where it should be and it was too late to change it. That was some serious work anger. During my first day, a couple of older carpenters asked me why my tools were so new- I told them "I'm from Miami- I got ripped off..had to buy new ones..", They bought it. Those old guys from Texas were on to me and my lack of any relevant carpentry experience but they were very cool about it. They taught me how to hammer and saw properly and were instructing me in the ways of Frame Carpentry. The circular saw got to me though. The foreman set me up to cut roofing boards and i was confused beyond belief, with angles and what have you. One day the foreman had a little 'talk' with me. He said " Steve, you said you had certain skills when you came out here and you really haven't demonstrated any of that". I told him that I knew and simply walked of the site..Someone whistled that old Clint Eastwood western thign ay-ee-ah-yee ahh...I couldn't help but laugh along with them! Job number 23 was similar in that I worked with Atlas Pools in Jax, Fl helping to form out swimming pools and wheel barreling concrete around for the cool decking. The stand out memory here was the purple pool in Maclenny - purple water because of the minerals in the ground water and Whalen - an alcoholic that did not drink so he continually smoked weed all day. He operated all the heavy machinery and barked orders to everyone. My job pattern here was outdoor to indoor-outdoor to indoor.
The 24th gig was as a cab driver in Jacksonville, Fl. The company, Yellow Cab, would rent you a cab each day if you did not own one. The rental was $50 per day and I paid for gas. It took a good 12 hours to break even and another six to make any money. I lived in that damn cab. I expelled drunks when I saw they were about to puke and just took to straight up telling them " Hey Man..Don't you puke in my cab!!" I would just start talking to customers to pass the time ..Yellow Cab would always give the new drivers the worst cabs. After my third break down I quit.
Job 25 was another landscaping job in Jax, Fl. A friend of mine, Russell, had a friend named Friscia who was strung out on crack so we tried to help him with a job. I remember our boss asking, "Why is he so pale and skinny?" We told him he was sick and recovering. Job 26 was in the same office park and was as a temporary laborer moving office furniture and boxes around. The time really dragged with that one, being a 'mover' is not for me.
Jobs 27 - 35 were all line cook jobs on Baymeadows Rd in Jacksonville,Fl. I simply worked in every restaurant on that road. A line cook at Bennigans was job 27. Here I learned that Bennigans cooks work until 4 am. I once crashed into a guard rail on the way to work on my motorcycle - my hands were shaking for over an hour. Alcohol was necessary to get any sleep at all. I was a vampire, arising as the sun set and sleeping when it came up. Job 28 was at Red Lobster as a cook. I think those lobsters knew they were gonna die, especially right before I threw them in the steamer. Job 29 was at IHOP as a cook, Sunday mornings were complete bedlam, there were lines out the door after church. I worked with an elderly black gentleman named Mr. Winbush.."Like the wind through the bushes.."(he would say). Mr Winbush was an Egg Man. He was a master of eggs. The man would have at least 10 egg pans going at one time. Over easy, over medium, over hard, poached, scrambled, omelettes- the guy was an egg savant! He taught me a lot. My schedule was IHOP from 5am to 1pm, then Red lobster from 4pm until close...the work schedule was beyond brutal. Job 30 found me doing prep work in the kitchen of a Holiday Inn. It was cool to prep for happy hour...everyone got happy! Job number 31 was at Peters Restaurant were we made pasta from scratch on a giant pasta making machine from Italy. Job number 32 was at Casa Lupita- another Mexican joint. They had the best work parties. Casa Lupita shut down and turned into Grisanti's Italian Restaurant where I worked job number 33. Job 33 was my first experience as a waiter and I couldn't deal with it so after a couple of weeks I quit. Put me in the kitchen, where I can yell at people and be mean- that was more my style. Job 34 was at a Steak and Ale on Baymeadows Rd. One night I accidentally mixed grease cutter with bleach and thought I would die from a chlorine gas attack, it hurt to breathe for a few minutes. Job 35 was as a perfume salesman for a company called Scentura. They created knock offs of all the designer fragrances. We would go into office buildings and try to sell the shit to women in the workplace. The main task was dodging security, which made it all the more challenging. The women bought the stuff.
My next job, number 37, was as a line cook at Aw Shucks in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fl. It was uneventful however I did learn to make a proper Marsala sauce after my first attempt got sent back and I got yelled at. Number 38 found me back at the Sawgrass at Marriot in Ponte Vedra, the same place I worked as a wannabe carpenter - as a cook. We called the head chef "Chef" and I learned how hard those guys have to work. Job 38 was at Scores and More, a sports bar in Mandarin Florida. I worked there just before and after graduating from the University of North Florida. I learned that true depression occurs when upon graduating with a 4 year business degree, you are still working in a kitchen...I took to knifing order tickets and yelling at waitstaff... generally scaring the shit outta people. I called one of the waitresses Judas, after all I felt a holier than thou indignation! Still in this damned kitchen! A friend of mine started calling me 'Hitler'- I told him to stop and calmed down.
Jobs 39 - 50 came after graduation. Job 39 was an in-home food service salesman for food and freezer plans, with American Frozen Foods. I was so desperate to get out of the infernal kitchen that I didn't mind walking into peoples' homes and putting up with their dogs and kids. I did well, sold a bunch and was promoted to "Reorder Rep" and moved to Tallahassee, job number 40. I had all the existing business and wrote new business. After doing well for a year or so, they promoted me to North Florida Regional Manager, job number 41. I was promoted over people that had been with the company for decades and were all 20-30 years older than me and they hated me for it. I moved to Keystone Heights, Florida to be near 'headquarters' in Gainesville, Fl. The other reps wasted no time in subjugating my managerial duties and were worse than difficult to deal with. The manager that left decided he wanted to come back so they demoted me to Reorder Rep. I got pissed and left.
Job 41 was with IDS Financial Services- the financial planning division of American Express. I had to pass the Series 7 test- the test from hell. I didn't believe them about it until I began studying, it was horribly difficult. I took the test and used 2 hrs and 58 minutes of the three hour allotted time. I got a 72 and jumped for joy. I was told I studied two points too much when i got back to the office. All the first year 'planners' were fired for not bringing in the multi-million dollar estate planning cases- how they rolled, the bastards. I had 12 clients with various business and a woman named Marjorie Simpson gave me a check for $50,000 to invest. It turned out to not be enough for their endless greed. They even tried to get me to sign off on "quiting" instead of being "fired" so they would not have to approve unemployment. I told them "I aint signing shit", you're gonna have to fire me"...so they did and I got unemployment. They were, by far, the most arrogant pricks on the face of the earth. I later learned that one of the most arrogant established Financial Planners in our office killed himself, his wife and child- it didn't surprise me. There were rumors that he owed the Russian mob big time and they did it to make it look like a murder-suicide.
Job 42 found me back in the food service industry with Food Supply of Daytona Beach,Fl. I lived in Jacksonville, Fl and worked the St.Augustine/Jacksonville territories. I did "cuttings" for chef's and restaurant owners- side by side comparisons of various food products and sold them on our name brand name lines- like Stanislaus fresh packed tomatoes. They were bright red in the can compared to Del Monte or the others. I fought and pleaded for pennies on the pound and made a small salary but little commission. The competition was fierce from Sysco and other wholesale food companies. There were typically 3 or 4 reps lined up waiting to make their pitch or show their product to the chef or restaurant owner. We smiled and chatted to each other yet secretly hated each other and wished the worst for them in our hearts..Oh, they guy from Beaver Street Fisheries got in a car accident...?...awwww...too frigging bad!!! No love loss there at all. My laptop was run over by a truck when I set it down next to the truck tire to talk with the head chef of Marker 32. I had tunnel vision staring at the crushed screen.. I opened up the Jacksonville, Fl market and Food Supply ships there to this day yet they let me go because they were so cheap. Maybe it's because the owners son got wind of me calling him a cheap tight bastard and could never get past it.. Maybe it was the laptop.
Job 43 was a magazine salesman to convenience stores in Jacksonville, Fl. It's well documented in my story "Mr Magazine Man" in this blog. Suffice to say it was a magazine sales job with all the regular titles and some pornographic ones. The 'regular' titles were about 5% of overall sales and the pornographic ones accounted for 95% of total sales. The manager of the Blue Front Store on Moncrief Rd. In Jacksonville, Fl. once remarked to me," Steve..they get the hit of crack for $2 and the girl for $2..why they buy the magazine for $5, Steve...why..?" I told him he had me on that one. Everyone was looking to save a buck.
My 44th job was with TMG Solutions, a marketing arm of Epson Printers, working in a Comp USA, selling printers. I stood near the Epson Printers and demonstrated how great they were to customers in Comp USA. Job 45 was also through TMG setting up Microsoft displays in Costco and taking inventory of their sales. I reported all sales through the internet in 1999 when dial up was the only option.
Job 46 was with Fuelman, (Fleetcor Technologies) and lasted 6 1/2 years. This was a good gig and I finally started to make decent money. I opened up the Jacksonville, Daytona, Gainesville and Ocala markets, won several company awards and went on trips to New Orleans, San Diego and St Thomas. I did really well with them until they decided to 'go public', change the proprietary fuel access card into a credit card and fire all sales staff. I was number one in Florida and number three in the nation when I got the call...
Job number 47 was with Ricoh Business Solutions, in Jacksonville, Fl. This job occurred when gas prices went over $4 per gallon. I drove 90 miles a day to work and back, then did laps in and around Jacksonville to sell multifunction printer, copier- scanners, 'MFP's'. I was spending anywhere from $120- $140 a week on gas and driving my car into the ground. The manager, Brad, said I was the hardest working rep in the office but he had to fire me for lack of production - even though I had incremental sales. It was a churn and burn mentality. After being there for seven months, I was a veteran- most people came and went in a month or so- I saw a lot of them come and go. Brad was cool enough to make sure I got in over six months so I could collect unemployment- and to this day I can still get a good reference out of him - it just wasn't a good fit for me.
Job 48 was with the Money Pages out of Jax, Fl selling advertising in the Palm Coast market, where I lived. I hate advertising and I especially hate selling it- so it only lasted six months. The rent-to-own places like Z-Best are more like criminal prosecution entities. They spend more time having people arrested and appearing in court to take back rented furniture and appliances than they do selling it to them. Every month they placed a full page ad and treated me like a criminal when I begged them for their info before our deadline. I will sleep on a bamboo mat before I consider renting furniture from those people.
Job number 49 was with Galtronics US for two years and was the best one yet. I traveled to 16 states including Hawaii and the Province of Ontario, Canada demonstrating Energy Management Systems to Engineers and Utility Company Executives. It was all good. They had to shut down temporarily however I think I'll be an independent contractor with them in the coming months.
Job number 50 is my current vocation as a business development consultant with a trucking company in Palm Coast, Florida - no comment until I see what happens with them.
At least I'm not collecting unemployment.
The job with my uncle in the construction business is well documented in the story "Me and My Uncle" in this blog. Suffice to say it was an excellent experience in drunkenness and cruelty in the workplace. Seeing people consume massive quantities of alcohol then operate heavy machinery, boats and lead a construction crew was an eye opening experience and really prepped me for the future jobs I would hold. During the same time period of '80-'81, I worked as a bus boy and a dishwasher at the California Club, a country club in North Miami and a Sizzler Steakhouse in Broward County, Fl. The bus boy gig ended when I spilled a tray of half filled margaritas and bloody mary's over a customers shoulder. Working as a dishwasher ended after a month or so because of the general misery of washing dishes in a restaurant. My fourth job was another bus boy gig at a Denny's, the fifth was as a bagger at Publix. These two were uneventful however I was fired from Publix for putting a four pack of glass Coke bottles in a guys back seat that was dirty and wet from being first placed in the parking lot. I left Denny's for a better opportunity- busing tables at a local Plantation, Fl restaurant, Olivers, my sixth job. Every Sunday, the owner was on the phone to his bookie, placing bets on all the football games. He eventually lost the restaurant to his gambling habits.
The seventh job was as a construction worker, (laborer) - for another uncle, in Miami Lakes, Fl. My cousin Jeff was the foreman and I swept out houses, hauled trash and cleaned up the housing tract they were building. The entire job site was medicated. Every morning the various substances were passed out and dealt to the carpenters, laborers, electricians and plumbers. They all seemed to function fine under the influence. My cousin had a major coke problem, so his nose was typically blown up and red and he slept in the trailer a lot. My uncle Jim was told him " You're gonna blow a fucking hole right through your nose if you don't stop doing that shit.." Sure enough, he did - Jeff had a deviated septum from the cocaine abuse. I once rode my Schwinn Le Tour 12 Speed bicycle from Plantation, Fl to Miami Lakes - to get to work. It was a 30 mile ride, I got a flat on the way home and my friend Ricks dad picked me up on the way back, once was enough for that. Job number eight was taking notes for a deaf student at Broward Community College. It didn't pay well but it paid. I essentially duplicated my notes from a couple of my classes for him- easy job.
My ninth job was at a 10 minute oil change place called Greased Lightning, in Ft Lauderdale, Fl. I rode a motorcycle and was 18. A friend of mine who worked there also rode, his name was Jimmy and he was truly crazy. Jimmy's idea of a good time was to intentionally bait cops to chase him then get away on his Honda 750 - he was never caught. He told me "..it gets pretty intense- they don't give up..."He rode through fields, parking lots, whatever it took to get away.. I remember riding back from getting lunch in a car one day and some idiot cutting us off on a moped. Jimmy took his entire McDonalds combo- drink and all- and whipped it at the guys back as we passed him at 45 mph. The site of exploding McDonalds on that poor bastards back was epic. Jimmy didn't eat lunch that day however it was worth it for him. Another co-worker of mine, Martin, was a handgun enthusiast. He showed me the .357 revolver he had and said "...this will make a believer out of anyone.." I told him he's headed for jail. The next week, he got caught in an armed robbery and ended up being sentenced to five years in prison. I spoke with him from jail and messed with his mind about his 'girlfriend' whom Jimmy just happened to move in with. This really pissed him of, so I ended the conversation.
Job number 10 was in a Landscape Nursery picking weeds and watering plants. In the South Florida heat it was pure misery, so it only lasted a few weeks. My eleventh job was as a line cook in Chi Chi's Mexican Restaurant. I never cooked before however I had a friend that waited on tables at Chi Chi's so he got me in. The kitchen was like an insane asylum. Extremely busy, loud and chaotic. I learned that when order tickets are covering the line and we are throwing plate liners at Haitian dishwashers while yelling at waitresses to get food out of our window- you are in the 'weeds', a restaurant term used to describe complete chaos. "Issa!!!- I need plates on the line!!!!" - was a common outcry from us..This job taught me that if you work full time in a restaurant, chances are you see very little daylight. I lived in the night and slept through the day for the next seven years in the restaurant business.
Job 11 was landscaping at Bonaventure, west of Davie Florida. My friend from Chi Chi's and I worked there. At times I hitchhiked to work with a lunch cooler, rode a motorcycle or got a ride. The company, "A Touch of Grass", started you on the scuffle hoe with the Haitians and the illegals. if you did good, you progressed to the blower then the edger. After that, you were promoted to walking behind a 32 inch mower all day. From there, you worked the weed eaters- a true skill when learned. I then reached the apex of the company- driving a Toro, 72 inch blade deck, riding mower all day - that was really cool. I recall Nelson, an older black man, telling a resident that she could "...go pick that grass with your teef.." and his buddy Elijah coming to work one day complaining that he found his woman with another woman when he got home yesterday.. Those guys were always going to get gas and being lectured about not getting their work done. We worked with a Jesus freak who had scripture and religious iconography painted all over his step van. When it got really hot he said the Lord told him not to work on this day. I worked with a man we called Mr Nixon because Nixon was his last name. Mr. Nixon had scars all over his body and the story of a horrible accident behind each one. A guy we called Brother Bob drove a Yazoo riding lawn mower into a lake and just sat there wondering what to do. We then changed his name to ''Brother Bob on the job to polish his knob'. Job number 12 was also a landscaping job- with Vantrease Landscaping. The owner , Tom was a Vietam Vet and gay- so the joke was- just don't eat a banana in front of him. Tom was cool, no problems, we just worked and went home.
Job number 13 was at a Sears and Roebuck in the Broward Mall and consisted of counting inventory and working in the warehouse. This is where I learned that perfectly good items like strollers, or furniture had to be destroyed instead of used or resold because of flaws in them. My boss was in the Coast Guard and told tales of huge drug seizures off the coast of Miami. Job number fourteen was digging holes for hot tubs and learning to plumb them. Coincidentally, most of the jobs were in either Coral Gables, Coral Springs or other impossible to jackhammer and dig through regions, it was a brutal nightmare.
Jobs 15 - 17 were in Gainesville, Florida. Number 15 was at Burrito Brothers in Gainesville. I made tacos and burritos and worked the register, ended up getting fired because of the diversion of University of Florida classes. Next, I worked at the Student Union, as a caterer. We organized parties for professors with cheap wine and would listen to them get louder and louder as they sucked down the cheap swill. Job 17 was at a place called Taco Johns on the night shift. I never intentionally destroyed food through the drive through however almost got in a fight or two from idiots yelling through the window.
My eighteenth job was at Bojangles Chicken in Jacksonville, Fl. I remember the amount of flour they went through to bread chicken was monumental. It was like a Laurel and Hardy comedy working there, flour dust flying everywhere. Job 19 was with UPS as an un-loader of semi's in the heat of August in Jacksonville, Fl. I was 'on call' each day- would call in and see if I was working or not. We were required to wear a back support and bring water to stay hydrated to avoid passing out. I probably should have stuck it out and retired in 20 years however I just couldn't take being yelled at in the scorching heat and one day just quit. That job was a militaristic nightmare.
Job number 20 brought me back to the restaurant industry at the Sailmaker in Jax,Fl. As a line cook, we continually told the wait staff how "pissed" we were and not to bother us. The Sailmaker was later destroyed and a parking lot was put there. Job 21 brought me to Houlihans in Jacksonville,Fl. This was a serious restaurant job, as a line cook, working under a head chef. I had to dress in kitchen whites every day. I met a waitress there who moved in with me. She left me so I took her Italian furniture and moved to another apartment. Take that bitch! Ending up with a waitress became a pattern for the next several years.
Job number 22 was as a Frame Carpenter at the Sawgrass Marriott in Ponte Vedra, Beach, Fl. They simply asked "Frame of Form?" I said "Frame " because I didn't want to be on my knees doing forming. I was there when the architect came out to the job site screaming about the orientation of the pro shop. The foundation was 30 degrees off from where it should be and it was too late to change it. That was some serious work anger. During my first day, a couple of older carpenters asked me why my tools were so new- I told them "I'm from Miami- I got ripped off..had to buy new ones..", They bought it. Those old guys from Texas were on to me and my lack of any relevant carpentry experience but they were very cool about it. They taught me how to hammer and saw properly and were instructing me in the ways of Frame Carpentry. The circular saw got to me though. The foreman set me up to cut roofing boards and i was confused beyond belief, with angles and what have you. One day the foreman had a little 'talk' with me. He said " Steve, you said you had certain skills when you came out here and you really haven't demonstrated any of that". I told him that I knew and simply walked of the site..Someone whistled that old Clint Eastwood western thign ay-ee-ah-yee ahh...I couldn't help but laugh along with them! Job number 23 was similar in that I worked with Atlas Pools in Jax, Fl helping to form out swimming pools and wheel barreling concrete around for the cool decking. The stand out memory here was the purple pool in Maclenny - purple water because of the minerals in the ground water and Whalen - an alcoholic that did not drink so he continually smoked weed all day. He operated all the heavy machinery and barked orders to everyone. My job pattern here was outdoor to indoor-outdoor to indoor.
The 24th gig was as a cab driver in Jacksonville, Fl. The company, Yellow Cab, would rent you a cab each day if you did not own one. The rental was $50 per day and I paid for gas. It took a good 12 hours to break even and another six to make any money. I lived in that damn cab. I expelled drunks when I saw they were about to puke and just took to straight up telling them " Hey Man..Don't you puke in my cab!!" I would just start talking to customers to pass the time ..Yellow Cab would always give the new drivers the worst cabs. After my third break down I quit.
Job 25 was another landscaping job in Jax, Fl. A friend of mine, Russell, had a friend named Friscia who was strung out on crack so we tried to help him with a job. I remember our boss asking, "Why is he so pale and skinny?" We told him he was sick and recovering. Job 26 was in the same office park and was as a temporary laborer moving office furniture and boxes around. The time really dragged with that one, being a 'mover' is not for me.
Jobs 27 - 35 were all line cook jobs on Baymeadows Rd in Jacksonville,Fl. I simply worked in every restaurant on that road. A line cook at Bennigans was job 27. Here I learned that Bennigans cooks work until 4 am. I once crashed into a guard rail on the way to work on my motorcycle - my hands were shaking for over an hour. Alcohol was necessary to get any sleep at all. I was a vampire, arising as the sun set and sleeping when it came up. Job 28 was at Red Lobster as a cook. I think those lobsters knew they were gonna die, especially right before I threw them in the steamer. Job 29 was at IHOP as a cook, Sunday mornings were complete bedlam, there were lines out the door after church. I worked with an elderly black gentleman named Mr. Winbush.."Like the wind through the bushes.."(he would say). Mr Winbush was an Egg Man. He was a master of eggs. The man would have at least 10 egg pans going at one time. Over easy, over medium, over hard, poached, scrambled, omelettes- the guy was an egg savant! He taught me a lot. My schedule was IHOP from 5am to 1pm, then Red lobster from 4pm until close...the work schedule was beyond brutal. Job 30 found me doing prep work in the kitchen of a Holiday Inn. It was cool to prep for happy hour...everyone got happy! Job number 31 was at Peters Restaurant were we made pasta from scratch on a giant pasta making machine from Italy. Job number 32 was at Casa Lupita- another Mexican joint. They had the best work parties. Casa Lupita shut down and turned into Grisanti's Italian Restaurant where I worked job number 33. Job 33 was my first experience as a waiter and I couldn't deal with it so after a couple of weeks I quit. Put me in the kitchen, where I can yell at people and be mean- that was more my style. Job 34 was at a Steak and Ale on Baymeadows Rd. One night I accidentally mixed grease cutter with bleach and thought I would die from a chlorine gas attack, it hurt to breathe for a few minutes. Job 35 was as a perfume salesman for a company called Scentura. They created knock offs of all the designer fragrances. We would go into office buildings and try to sell the shit to women in the workplace. The main task was dodging security, which made it all the more challenging. The women bought the stuff.
My next job, number 37, was as a line cook at Aw Shucks in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fl. It was uneventful however I did learn to make a proper Marsala sauce after my first attempt got sent back and I got yelled at. Number 38 found me back at the Sawgrass at Marriot in Ponte Vedra, the same place I worked as a wannabe carpenter - as a cook. We called the head chef "Chef" and I learned how hard those guys have to work. Job 38 was at Scores and More, a sports bar in Mandarin Florida. I worked there just before and after graduating from the University of North Florida. I learned that true depression occurs when upon graduating with a 4 year business degree, you are still working in a kitchen...I took to knifing order tickets and yelling at waitstaff... generally scaring the shit outta people. I called one of the waitresses Judas, after all I felt a holier than thou indignation! Still in this damned kitchen! A friend of mine started calling me 'Hitler'- I told him to stop and calmed down.
Jobs 39 - 50 came after graduation. Job 39 was an in-home food service salesman for food and freezer plans, with American Frozen Foods. I was so desperate to get out of the infernal kitchen that I didn't mind walking into peoples' homes and putting up with their dogs and kids. I did well, sold a bunch and was promoted to "Reorder Rep" and moved to Tallahassee, job number 40. I had all the existing business and wrote new business. After doing well for a year or so, they promoted me to North Florida Regional Manager, job number 41. I was promoted over people that had been with the company for decades and were all 20-30 years older than me and they hated me for it. I moved to Keystone Heights, Florida to be near 'headquarters' in Gainesville, Fl. The other reps wasted no time in subjugating my managerial duties and were worse than difficult to deal with. The manager that left decided he wanted to come back so they demoted me to Reorder Rep. I got pissed and left.
Job 41 was with IDS Financial Services- the financial planning division of American Express. I had to pass the Series 7 test- the test from hell. I didn't believe them about it until I began studying, it was horribly difficult. I took the test and used 2 hrs and 58 minutes of the three hour allotted time. I got a 72 and jumped for joy. I was told I studied two points too much when i got back to the office. All the first year 'planners' were fired for not bringing in the multi-million dollar estate planning cases- how they rolled, the bastards. I had 12 clients with various business and a woman named Marjorie Simpson gave me a check for $50,000 to invest. It turned out to not be enough for their endless greed. They even tried to get me to sign off on "quiting" instead of being "fired" so they would not have to approve unemployment. I told them "I aint signing shit", you're gonna have to fire me"...so they did and I got unemployment. They were, by far, the most arrogant pricks on the face of the earth. I later learned that one of the most arrogant established Financial Planners in our office killed himself, his wife and child- it didn't surprise me. There were rumors that he owed the Russian mob big time and they did it to make it look like a murder-suicide.
Job 42 found me back in the food service industry with Food Supply of Daytona Beach,Fl. I lived in Jacksonville, Fl and worked the St.Augustine/Jacksonville territories. I did "cuttings" for chef's and restaurant owners- side by side comparisons of various food products and sold them on our name brand name lines- like Stanislaus fresh packed tomatoes. They were bright red in the can compared to Del Monte or the others. I fought and pleaded for pennies on the pound and made a small salary but little commission. The competition was fierce from Sysco and other wholesale food companies. There were typically 3 or 4 reps lined up waiting to make their pitch or show their product to the chef or restaurant owner. We smiled and chatted to each other yet secretly hated each other and wished the worst for them in our hearts..Oh, they guy from Beaver Street Fisheries got in a car accident...?...awwww...too frigging bad!!! No love loss there at all. My laptop was run over by a truck when I set it down next to the truck tire to talk with the head chef of Marker 32. I had tunnel vision staring at the crushed screen.. I opened up the Jacksonville, Fl market and Food Supply ships there to this day yet they let me go because they were so cheap. Maybe it's because the owners son got wind of me calling him a cheap tight bastard and could never get past it.. Maybe it was the laptop.
Job 43 was a magazine salesman to convenience stores in Jacksonville, Fl. It's well documented in my story "Mr Magazine Man" in this blog. Suffice to say it was a magazine sales job with all the regular titles and some pornographic ones. The 'regular' titles were about 5% of overall sales and the pornographic ones accounted for 95% of total sales. The manager of the Blue Front Store on Moncrief Rd. In Jacksonville, Fl. once remarked to me," Steve..they get the hit of crack for $2 and the girl for $2..why they buy the magazine for $5, Steve...why..?" I told him he had me on that one. Everyone was looking to save a buck.
My 44th job was with TMG Solutions, a marketing arm of Epson Printers, working in a Comp USA, selling printers. I stood near the Epson Printers and demonstrated how great they were to customers in Comp USA. Job 45 was also through TMG setting up Microsoft displays in Costco and taking inventory of their sales. I reported all sales through the internet in 1999 when dial up was the only option.
Job 46 was with Fuelman, (Fleetcor Technologies) and lasted 6 1/2 years. This was a good gig and I finally started to make decent money. I opened up the Jacksonville, Daytona, Gainesville and Ocala markets, won several company awards and went on trips to New Orleans, San Diego and St Thomas. I did really well with them until they decided to 'go public', change the proprietary fuel access card into a credit card and fire all sales staff. I was number one in Florida and number three in the nation when I got the call...
Job number 47 was with Ricoh Business Solutions, in Jacksonville, Fl. This job occurred when gas prices went over $4 per gallon. I drove 90 miles a day to work and back, then did laps in and around Jacksonville to sell multifunction printer, copier- scanners, 'MFP's'. I was spending anywhere from $120- $140 a week on gas and driving my car into the ground. The manager, Brad, said I was the hardest working rep in the office but he had to fire me for lack of production - even though I had incremental sales. It was a churn and burn mentality. After being there for seven months, I was a veteran- most people came and went in a month or so- I saw a lot of them come and go. Brad was cool enough to make sure I got in over six months so I could collect unemployment- and to this day I can still get a good reference out of him - it just wasn't a good fit for me.
Job 48 was with the Money Pages out of Jax, Fl selling advertising in the Palm Coast market, where I lived. I hate advertising and I especially hate selling it- so it only lasted six months. The rent-to-own places like Z-Best are more like criminal prosecution entities. They spend more time having people arrested and appearing in court to take back rented furniture and appliances than they do selling it to them. Every month they placed a full page ad and treated me like a criminal when I begged them for their info before our deadline. I will sleep on a bamboo mat before I consider renting furniture from those people.
Job number 49 was with Galtronics US for two years and was the best one yet. I traveled to 16 states including Hawaii and the Province of Ontario, Canada demonstrating Energy Management Systems to Engineers and Utility Company Executives. It was all good. They had to shut down temporarily however I think I'll be an independent contractor with them in the coming months.
Job number 50 is my current vocation as a business development consultant with a trucking company in Palm Coast, Florida - no comment until I see what happens with them.
At least I'm not collecting unemployment.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
In the Interest of Political Correctness...
Black history month is upon us. God bless any group of people, whatever their color however I don't see a need to single out "Black" versus "Non Black" to honor for a 28 day time period every year. Political correctness dictates that we just sit down, shut up and go along for the ride, I don't think so. In honor of Black History Month, I have created How to Not be a A Racist in Ten Easy Steps.
1. Blame yourself for all that ills society because you are white..or yellow...or brown,(or any other color).
2. Realize you suck because you are not black.
3. Worship all non white, (yellow, brown or any other color), people as superior.
4. Learn Ebonics.
5. Strongly believe in affirmative action, no matter what the cost.
6. Watch Oprah religiously and agree with her on everything.
7. Buy a home in the ghetto and refurbish it.
8. Believe OJ is innocent and the real killers are still out there.
9. Celebrate Kwanza.
10. Marry inter racially.
Congratulations! You are now not a racist!
1. Blame yourself for all that ills society because you are white..or yellow...or brown,(or any other color).
2. Realize you suck because you are not black.
3. Worship all non white, (yellow, brown or any other color), people as superior.
4. Learn Ebonics.
5. Strongly believe in affirmative action, no matter what the cost.
6. Watch Oprah religiously and agree with her on everything.
7. Buy a home in the ghetto and refurbish it.
8. Believe OJ is innocent and the real killers are still out there.
9. Celebrate Kwanza.
10. Marry inter racially.
Congratulations! You are now not a racist!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Lost in Translation
Understanding what people really mean when attempting to communicate with them is important in order to know what they are really saying. The glossary below is a list of commonly heard phrases and their actual translations.
From a prospective employer - "How much do you need to pay your bills?'"
- translation- There is no opportunity here and even if there was, I would pay you less than your unemployment benefit.
"See you later"
- translation - I have no intention of seeing you and if I do I'll probably repeat the same idiotic phrase.
"According to your policy"
- translation- we won't cover it, we don't care and its not our fault that you are not well versed in the nuanced detail of our industry and how it works."
"Continuing education"
- translation- your "education" needs to be continued, therefore you really are a complete jackass and you definitely missed the boat the first time.
"Take the weekend and think about it"
- translation- I am an arrogant SOB, I am telling you to do something to ruin your weekend and I really don't care what you think about.
"Diversity"
- translation- one more thing to be held against you based on your race, creed or national origin.
"Do you mind taking a survey when our call is finished?" -translation - Our customer service dept. is so bad that we figured we would make it even worse by wasting more of your time.
"How was your weekend?"
- translation - I am very uncomfortable with awkward silences and I dont want them to think I am too hungover to speak.
"We need you to complete this pre-employment psychological survey"
- translation- Someone in our company read an article about the advantages of psychological screening in an airport then wasted obscene amounts of money on a generic psych test.
"We'll have to send that to the attorneys to look at"
- translation - Tell the office manager to post a $5000 charge to accounts payable.
"I'm a Christian"..(or a mormon, muslim,whatever)..(any organized religion as an introduction)...
- translation- Do not trust me, I will stab you in the back at the first opportunity. I will also seek ways to drain you and your company of all available funds.
"Your 'age bracket' typically has higher premiums, declinations and paramed exams"
-translation- You are too old for coverage, if we do extend health coverage to you, it will be ungodly expensive and you must first submit to all manner of body fluid screens and invasive medical examinations. You will probably be declined.
"Can we have a copy of your presentation, it was the best one ever!" -translation- We want to steal your ideas to use on our company website and make sure we dont compensate you for it.
"Baby on board"
-translation- I like visual obstructions in my rear window and I will hold my kid hostage for my lack of driving skills.
"Unlimited income opportunity"
-translation- Not only will you not make any money with us, we will charge you to work here.
"We pay you mileage and a car allowance"
-translation- This job will bury you in your car.
"Congratulations on your home loan modification!"
-translation- Thank you for agreeing to a $35,000 deferred balance that you cant pay off until you sell the home!
"Special needs"
-translation- Retarded.
"We will debit your account on the 24th"
-translation- We will take the money out of your account on the 23rd, either during the day or at midnight, know one knows, it's a mystery...
"I'm thinking about playing guitar on a street corner" -translation- Damn, I can't believe I'm this broke.
"This might be a little unpleasant"
-translation- It's gonna hurt like hell
"Back to school"
-translation- Thank God these kids finally have somewhere to go and something to do
"Both candidates sound the same"
-translation- they are.
"Have a nice day"
-translation- Everyone knows you don't mean it.
From a prospective employer - "How much do you need to pay your bills?'"
- translation- There is no opportunity here and even if there was, I would pay you less than your unemployment benefit.
"See you later"
- translation - I have no intention of seeing you and if I do I'll probably repeat the same idiotic phrase.
"According to your policy"
- translation- we won't cover it, we don't care and its not our fault that you are not well versed in the nuanced detail of our industry and how it works."
"Continuing education"
- translation- your "education" needs to be continued, therefore you really are a complete jackass and you definitely missed the boat the first time.
"Take the weekend and think about it"
- translation- I am an arrogant SOB, I am telling you to do something to ruin your weekend and I really don't care what you think about.
"Diversity"
- translation- one more thing to be held against you based on your race, creed or national origin.
"Do you mind taking a survey when our call is finished?" -translation - Our customer service dept. is so bad that we figured we would make it even worse by wasting more of your time.
"How was your weekend?"
- translation - I am very uncomfortable with awkward silences and I dont want them to think I am too hungover to speak.
"We need you to complete this pre-employment psychological survey"
- translation- Someone in our company read an article about the advantages of psychological screening in an airport then wasted obscene amounts of money on a generic psych test.
"We'll have to send that to the attorneys to look at"
- translation - Tell the office manager to post a $5000 charge to accounts payable.
"I'm a Christian"..(or a mormon, muslim,whatever)..(any organized religion as an introduction)...
- translation- Do not trust me, I will stab you in the back at the first opportunity. I will also seek ways to drain you and your company of all available funds.
"Your 'age bracket' typically has higher premiums, declinations and paramed exams"
-translation- You are too old for coverage, if we do extend health coverage to you, it will be ungodly expensive and you must first submit to all manner of body fluid screens and invasive medical examinations. You will probably be declined.
"Can we have a copy of your presentation, it was the best one ever!" -translation- We want to steal your ideas to use on our company website and make sure we dont compensate you for it.
"Baby on board"
-translation- I like visual obstructions in my rear window and I will hold my kid hostage for my lack of driving skills.
"Unlimited income opportunity"
-translation- Not only will you not make any money with us, we will charge you to work here.
"We pay you mileage and a car allowance"
-translation- This job will bury you in your car.
"Congratulations on your home loan modification!"
-translation- Thank you for agreeing to a $35,000 deferred balance that you cant pay off until you sell the home!
"Special needs"
-translation- Retarded.
"We will debit your account on the 24th"
-translation- We will take the money out of your account on the 23rd, either during the day or at midnight, know one knows, it's a mystery...
"I'm thinking about playing guitar on a street corner" -translation- Damn, I can't believe I'm this broke.
"This might be a little unpleasant"
-translation- It's gonna hurt like hell
"Back to school"
-translation- Thank God these kids finally have somewhere to go and something to do
"Both candidates sound the same"
-translation- they are.
"Have a nice day"
-translation- Everyone knows you don't mean it.
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