Feeding the Zombies

People that wander into diners and order $8 menu items in 15 

different ways are worthless zombies and need to be put into 

asylums for the insane.  I see them stumbling in, mouths agape

 eyes dull and unsure how to walk. It is as if they lose all motor

 control skills when entering the restaurant. When seated, they

 instantly transform into towering intellectual geniuses when 

flipping through a menu. These geniuses have figured, 

re-configured, deconstructed and thought long and hard about how 

to change a simple order of an avocado chicken sandwich into a 

never thought of before combination of items that have no 

resemblance whatsoever to the item ordered. It is truly an amazing

transformation. The idiot savants have requested "extra thin 

pancakes...well done..." In the normal world, those are known as

 crepes. In zombie-land, it's an everyday occurrence. Their requests

 resemble derivative algorithms of wall street analysts. The already

 challenged waitress or waiter is equally confused as there are no 

entry keys on the computer to translate their fantastical demands.

  The ticket comes back to the kitchen looking

 like an algebraic equation. My God man, the country is in an

 economic depression and you, zombie , have all the time in the

 world to figure out how to re-arrange a five item order into an

 undecipherable codex for which there is no satisfactory result.

 Damn you zombie. Damn you to hell you worthless, time wasting,

 cheap, unable to satisfy, unkept looking dullard. Your $8 menu

 item has blossomed into a full on inexcusable waste of time and

 human energy. You are COSTING us money with your demands.

Our profit margin is now negative on your item. 



Maybe the zombies are from competing establishments looking to

 gain an advantage for their poorly attended restaurant during our

 national economic time of woe. Times are hard and businesses are

 looking for any advantage they can get. Other restaurants are fully

 involved in this game of deception. They most likely send

 electronic signals through the cell phone towers that activate nano

 transceivers that have been ingested by the zombies to mobilize them

 to stumble into competing establishments and wreak havoc on

 their target. It has become a tired, predictable script. 10:35 on a 

Monday night and here they come. Out of nowhere. Groups of 8,10

 and 12 zombies at a time. Who amongst you, dear reader, can 

assemble a party of 12 on a Monday night at 10:35 to straggle into

 a diner and make peoples lives miserable with inane requests? I 

dare say none of you. None of you have probably even considered

 this ludicrous notion.

  If you have, you too have ingested a nano transceiver and

 are under zombie control!  If you find yourself leaving your home,

either alone or with others, driving to a diner and ordering a meal

 that consists of one egg, one piece of bacon and rye toast you have

 already expended more energy than you will consume and you are

 a zombie. If you then instruct the waitress to only bring you 'soft'

 bacon and an egg 'poached very slightly' with a piece of burnt rye

 toast, you, sir or madam are ready for the undertaker.  The zombie

 translation of this order is - " I can't chew because I have no teeth.

 Cooked eggs are also to difficult for me to eat because it is solid

 food, I therefore need it as runny as possible. The burnt rye toast 

provides an odor that wakes me up and counteracts my 

narcolepsy."  Your life is over zombie.  I'm sorry, it is what it is and

  you need to make arrangement for your relatives. Please relieve us 

of your presence so we can attend to the world of the living.

We need a jamming device to interrupt the zombie signal on a 

Monday night or a Wednesday afternoon. Customers should be

 given a manual dexterity test that consists of being able to walk

 without support and complete more than three words in a sentence,

 (before being seated).  When complaints of "..not enough 

handicapped parking spaces.." is heard, (after half of the parking lot

 is designated 'handicapped'), that individual should be identified as

 a zombie and barred from entering. When a customer turns a 

mushroom swiss burger into a veggie patty extraordinaire with no 

lettuce, tomato or onion, no bun and semi soft scrambled eggs, that

 is a definite indicator of zombie activity and they should be 

escorted out of the restaurant at once for bio hazard safety concerns.



Zombies are a public health menace and are in violation of all food

 safety, traffic safety and welfare of the general public. When an 

extremely elderly zombie leaves the restaurant at night, stumbling 

and leaning on his partner  -

and (I swear to God I have seen this) - barely able to walk with dark

 sunglasses on and gets into a Cadillac and drives the wrong way 

around the parking lot, it is time to call law enforcement.  It is time

 for a roundup of these people. They need to be forcibly relocated

 to FEMA camps around the country for their personal safety and 

for ours. Let them live out the last days of their blended stupor far 

away from the rest of us. Let us have the peace of mind we so 

desperately need in these bizarre times. Let the zombies live 

amongst their own kind in government run encampments where 

they can dream up a thousand ways to reconfigure an order of mash

 potatoes and a chicken sandwich. Goodbye zombie.