Rules for the Travelling (flying) Public

Rules for the Travelling (flying) Public                                          

1.     When exiting aircraft, stand up, grab your bag from the overhead and simply exit. Don’t stand there, wondering what to do.

2.     When standing at the jet-way, keep your tongue in your mouth, no one wants to see it.

3.     If I can feel you exhale, you’re too close to me, back off.

4.     If you are in the continental United States and English is not your primary language, don’t speak. Your incessant babbling confuses people and is a safety hazard.

5.     When speaking on your phone realize that no one cares about your idiot kid and his “accomplishments”, broadcasting this to the world only angers people.

6.     If you are a halfway decent looking woman, know this: You’re not all that, no one is watching and you are not in a fashion show.

7.     If you are a man, refrain from wearing scarves, ascots or tunics, it makes you look gay.

8.     If you need an “extender” for your seat belt, you are officially too fat too fly and you need to take a bus or utilize a webcam. Your friends will appreciate not having to pick up a baby elephant at the airport and risk vehicle damage.

9.     If you are reading a newspaper, don’t attempt to navigate your way to a gate. This only proves your idiocy.

10. Walking and speaking on a cell phone is also a hazard to the general public, you cannot effectively do both things at once and we will have to deal with your self-importance by actively avoiding you in the terminal.

11. Take your freaking hat off; you are not in the desert.

12. If travelling with children, know this, the bible says “Spare the rod, spoil the child”, 2000 years of recognized scripture might have a kernel of truth to it.

13. Flying is not glamorous, don’t pretend it is.

14. If you have had a hard day at work, don’t complain about it as a substitute for meaningful conversation, it makes you look pathetic.

15. Don’t stare at strangers, they will not recognize you, you will never see them again and they aren’t looking to “connect” with you.

16. Realize the TSA employee only makes $10 per hour, treat them as such.

17. If you are over age 65, stop acting like the airlines are something “new” or “wondrous” and “awe inspiring”.

18. Realize that the airline sees you as a piece of luggage, to be dealt with, not a human being. When the flight attendant yells at you to put your seat up know that she is acting that way because you are perceived as a nuisance and an inanimate object.

19. Bathe at least a day before you fly, chances are, you stink.

20. When all else fails, consume alcohol. This will kill active brain cells, sufficiently dumbing you down to be the mental equivalent of the flying public. Now they won’t bother you as much.

21. Do not bring a home made ground beef sandwich wrapped in tinfoil aboard the plane, eat it with a plastic fork then slurp coffee as you scroll through your I Phone you cheap bastard.

22. Air rage is an unfortunate by- product of the airline industry. Refrain from stabbing the sandwich eating creep next to you in the neck with a plastic fork. It is a felony and you won’t be able to fly again.

23. When a sandwich eating freak starts reading USA Today as though it is a holy scroll of journalism, realize he is a true moron and that color coded generic news reprints have no relevant standing as a legitimate source of information.

24. Have a nice flight!


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