Dirt Nap

Rub those steroids under your arm, amputate those body parts,
Guzzle that city water with fluoride, take the shots.

Drink the diet soda with aspartame and wonder why-
Cancer is off the charts.

Eat the GMO, ingest the MSG, don't worry -
Cancer viruses  and excito-toxins for you and me!

Ask your physician, for he thinks he is God,
The big pharma companies 
Are from the Land of Nod, prescribing again and again,
The deadly chemicals that will leave you bent and dead.

The Insurance companies are bankers and your healthcare is weighed, not treasured, They'll never think twice or pay for preventive measures,

Crisis management is all they know,  
Like calling the fire department,
When your house is all aglow.

So pay that premium and hope for the best,
Deal with the rate-ups and all the other crap,

Take responsibility for your health,
Or enjoy a long dirt nap.







 

Interviewing the Interviewers

Rant University has commissioned a study of employers and their interviewing methods with the objective of finding out acceptable parameters of applicant engagement, goals and expectations of interviewers and timelines for the applicants. Our conversation was with Jane, an HR Manager at the company DontknowwhyweExist, Inc., located in Central Florida.


INTEVIEWER: So, Jane in HR, how long do you run advertisements for career positions at DontknowwhyweExist, Inc.?
EMPLOYER: Oh, typically about 4 months.

INT: Why so long?
EMP: Well, it takes a lot to find good people out there.

INT: I see...How many people do you typically interview for a position?
EMP: Depending on the position, anywhere from 150 - 200 people.

INT: Wow, that's a lot. How many of these candidates go to a second phone interview?
EMP: Probably somewhere near 50.

INT: Why is it important for HR to speak with them first?
EMP: We really want to see how they handle themselves over the phone. HR also needs to speak to as many people as possible to let people know about our company and hone our HR skills. Our companies policy for advancement is based on how many people we speak to.

INT: Regardless of whether or not you need to speak to them?
EMP: Yes. The more we talk to the better, they say.

INT: Do you offer any other insight into the position other than what is publicly posted?
EMP: (laughs) Oh no...but I get that a lot. We just read the publicly posted information back to them to make sure they understand. And, we get to write down another person spoken to for the day, to help us in our HR positions. The call also helps us tell the companies story and get people interested on a visceral level, it's great PR!

INT: Understood. So, Jane, when the employee is granted a second interview, who is it with and what is the purpose of it?
EMP: Well, that would be with the Hiring Manager. It is a phone interview and he then decides if we should meet with the candidate. This is usually two weeks after the initial phone interview. The purpose of the interview is to make sure the candidate knows what the job entails and some general questions about the candidates background and prior experience.

INT: So at this point a decision is being made to possibly hire?
EMP: Oh no, we are just getting ready to continue the process at this point.

INT: Ok...So then an actual meeting is set up?
EMP;  Whoa., not so fast! (laughs)...You see the Hiring Manager is usually very busy attending trade shows, checking spreadsheets and traveling around the country to meet with other managers.  After 1 -2 weeks, the Hiring Manager will email me to setup up interviews with selected candidates.

INT: So then after the second interview, it could be up to a month before the Hiring Manager actually meets with an applicant? 
EMP: Yes, with their busy and important schedule, yes, that's the way it goes.

INT: I see... So now we are 6 weeks into the process and the Hiring Manager meets with an applicant. What does the 3rd interview consist of and how is it different from the second interview?
EMP: Well, we have a policy that consists of making sure the Hiring Manager can use all of the allotted budget for hiring. This means flying in to a location, staying several nights, meals, vehicle rental - everything he needs to make sure he selects the right candidate. The third interview is necessary to make sure this money gets spent and the company gets the write off.

INT: But what about the applicants?
EMP: Oh yeah...well, they are typically asked the same questions as the second interview but in a more relaxed and informal setting. 

INT: Does any of the allotted budget for hiring go toward buying an applicant lunch or travel re-imbursement for the employee to drive 1-4 hours for the interview?
EMP Oh no, we wouldn't be able to write that off.

INT: Alrighty then. So the third interview is done, then what?
EMP: Well, the Hiring Manager usually has important travel to do like meeting with other managers and visiting their locations, so it's typically 2 weeks before he gets back and settled in before we decide to grant the applicant a fourth interview.

INT: So we are now 8 weeks into the process. Now what happens?
EMP: Well, assuming everything is OK with the candidate, we move him or her onto a fourth interview over the phone with our VP's - a conference call, scheduled 1- 2 weeks after the Hiring Managers decision to move forward.

INT: What kind of questions are asked on the conference call?
EMP: These questions usually revolve around suitability to the every day work the position entails and some offbeat, unexpected questions too!

INT:What do you mean, offbeat, unexpected questions?
EMP: Well, questions designed to catch the applicant off guard, like, "If you were in a life raft with three of your closest friends and had to sacrifice one because the raft was sinking which one would it be and why?" Or, "What would you say is your greatest weakness and when has it driven you to the point of despair?". You know, these upper management types are always thinking outside the box!

INT: Yes, I can see that...So now we're 10 weeks into the process, what happens next?
EMP: After that, if everything is OK with the VP's assessment, the applicant is sent for a drug screen, a background check, a psychological assessment, an aptitude test and a physical. We usually schedule that within a couple of weeks.

INT: So after 12 weeks the applicant is made an offer?
EMP: Well, sometimes but not all the time.  The applicant is put into a pool of other qualified applicants for a decision to be made at the next board meeting which happens on the second Tuesday of every month.

INT: So after 14 weeks a decision is made?
EMP: In an ideal world, yes. We then notify the selected applicant of their possibility of working with us ! It is truly an exciting time for them and for us!

INT: What do you mean, 'possibility'? 
EMP: Well, the applicant is extended an offer contingent upon a 90 day probationary period. During which he or she can be fired at any time, for any reason. Also, if anything negative is found out through the drug test, background check, psychological assessment, physical or aptitude test, the employee can be dismissed immediately and we will proceed to the next qualified applicant in the pool. If the contention is egregious, (lying on the background, drug screen failure, etc), we reserve the right to prosecute the applicant in a court of law and recover all monies spent during the hiring process.

INT: Wow, that's thorough to say the least. So it's 14 weeks to make a decision and then 90 days of possible termination and prosecution of all new applicants?
EMP: Well, yes, when you put it like that, it is..We have to be sure, you know, now a days you just don't know about people...

INT: Jane, what happens if an applicant is not selected to enter the qualified pool of applicants after the 14 weeks of interviews and testing?
EMP: In those cases we usually wait about a month or so to send out a rejection letter.

INT: So it's entirely possible that an employee could go through 14 weeks of interviews and testing, then have to wait another month to find out that he or she has not been chosen to be hired? Why the month long wait?
EMP: Well, we just want the employees to not give up hope.  We understand that our process is lengthy and we believe that hope is a good thing to have to keep up ones spirits during trying times, so we give them that hope to hold onto. Giving people a reason to get up in the morning and maintain hope, even though it might be construed as false hope, is really the best solution. Plus, you never know, things could change in a month, we might actually re-consider and ask the employee to begin his or her probationary period.

INT: Thank you for your time, Jane. Our research will be published on the Rant University website when it is completed.
EMP: Thank you and good luck with your future research!

I Had a Dream

I had a dream that I was assembling pizza boxes with President Obama and singing a classic rock song from Jethro Tull - Aqualung. The dream was very specific, all the lyrics of the song were exact. The President and I were assembling pizza delivery boxes and we had a lot of them to put together. He was looking at me very intently but I couldn't figure out if it was to make sure I was doing my job properly or if he was looking to me to confirm he was doing his. It was one of those dreams that you can't shake off because of the feeling of reality it had. I think it was prophetic for the future of the United States and what is happening to us in this country.

The pizza boxes were the symbol of cheap food, widely distributed backed by cheap labor and monotonous work. The song, Aqualung, is about a homeless man that lives in a park - and he -

 Eyes little girls with bad intent... 
 Snot is running down his nose...freezing fingers, wearing shabby   clothes...
Hey Aqualung
As you snatch your whistling last breath, with deep sea dying sounds
And the flowers bloomed like madness in the Spring...

Although the song was a huge hit in the 1970's, it paints the picture of an awful person living on the edge of society. The connection between the song and the pizza box activity is one of a sub-standard, lacking, and unhealthy life that I believe has become the new American Dream.

The new American Dream had the leader of America standing there, assembling pizza boxes. He was unsure if he was doing his job correctly and unsure about being the leader. He said nothing of importance, yet had that look, that 'Presidential' look about him...Uncertainty was his dilemma.Uncertainty about the future and his ability to lead us through it. Uncertain about his ability as a President and uncertainty about his ability to assemble pizza boxes, a task that anyone with an IQ above 80 can do.

More disturbing was the song Aqualung that played very loudly in the background. Its a great rock n' roll song however nowhere near the anthem for a country. With lyrics like the ones mentioned above and -

He goes down to the park to warm his feet...
Do you still remember..Decembers foggy freeze.
When the icicles clung to your beard you were screaming agony. 

This is not the picture of a healthy American citizen. Quite the contrary, this is a picture of someone that might die at any minute. The song played and I sang along with it as our leader just stood there wondering if he was assembling pizza boxes correctly.

The dream had all the elements of things gone terribly wrong in society. Homelessness, mental illness, low wages, menial work, uncertainty, crime and a leader asleep at the switch assembling pizza boxes. I like pizza and I like rock n' roll however I don't like seeing the future of our nation as an inescapable nightmare of low wage jobs, a clueless leader and Aqualung wondering around.